Such Is Life

I am taken aback by these jumbled feelings upon the news of Bernard Sr’s death.

Where once I felt numb (or so I thought) tears and sobs prove otherwise.

Happy and sad memories swirl around together creating more curious emotions, and perhaps regret.

How can this be for a man I have not seen since 1989?

I sit and reminisce for a moment thinking of what could have been … and was.

RIP and thank you for Bernard Jr, our wonderful son.

I am sorry you never got the chance to know him, but such is life.

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Tick Tick Tick

I hear the clock’s heart beat
That rhythmic ticking sound
Conveys to me
That I am not alone

Once there was a time
Not so long ago
When the sound annoyed me
But those days are gone
For now I am alone
And the ticking comforts me

So raise your glasses high
And be grateful
For aggravating moments
Soon will be gone
And just you
And the ticking clock will remain

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Pain? Yes, Dangit.


It’s been over a week since I had my disability eye exam and I’m still feeling it. My eyes now feel strained all the time and no matter what I do the only time they feel alright is when I’m asleep. I didn’t see the opthomologist to get any answers (Social Security paid for it) but had I known how I’d feel when it was over I would have asked many questions.

My appointment was scheduled for 2:30 PM June 24, but I turned off my cell phone when I arrived so I don’t know when I was actually taken in for the exam, but suspect it was close to 3:30.

The assistant gave me the exam where you hold the plastic eye cover (that looks like a weird eye mask) over your eye and read the chart. Then she took my glasses to get my prescription. When she returned she gave me a color eye test which the right eye flunked because you can’t see color from an eye that perceives different shades of gray.  Then she tested my left eye (please stay strong lefty) which passed. Then she put 3D glasses on my face and placed different thick lenses into some sort of tester. She then blocked my left eye and asked me which of the different images I saw seemed to jump out at me. She changed the images 3 different times and seemed surprised when I told her none did. I told her if I were using both eyes I could tell, but I’ve known for some time that I’m losing my depth perception.

The assistant then moved me to another room where she set up a machine for testing periferal vision and my right eye flunked that one too as I suffered for 10 minutes squirming around on a secretary’s chair that automatically lowers when you sit on it. (I hate those chairs because they hurt my back and legs). Finally the test was finished and we began again testing my left eye which I abruptly stopped because I thought I would vomit. I sat in that chair for about a minute; deep breathing; trying to get calmed down and then we started testing the left eye again for another agonizing 10 minutes!

Finally I was taken into another exam room and met the doctor’s wife. She took my glasses to check my prescription and I told her all about my eye shots; switching retinologists and why I eventually quit getting the shots. And I discovered that “my” retinologist from Panama City, FL is going to start seeing patients at this doctor’s office because the office in Dothan, AL where I saw him is now closed.

This opthomologist is very nice and we chatted for awhile; then he dilated my pupils and looked into my eyes. I now have scar tissue (I haven’t had a shot in almost 3 years) but he could see no signs of any leakage in the right eye and I’m grateful for that; so it appears that my right eye has just the “dry” type which is known as age related macular degeneration. (Thank you God).

I pulled out my cell phone and turned in on in the car and the time was 4:45 PM. Then I began the long drive home which was quite eventful because I was driving myself. That’s why I began this blog post with my smiling face because that’s how I looked driving home.

It took over an hour to get back to Ozark, AL because I couldn’t see the road signs and could find no familiar landmarks. After 2 wrong turns I was driving toward Ft. Rucker, but was disoriented and didn’t realize it; so I turned around and eventually found US 231 N.  I was over 10 miles from my son and daughter-in-law’s trailer and was so glad I had decided to go straight home when I left the doctor’s office because I never would have found their trailer! It was a long drive home, and I was so grateful to arrive. Now I wait to see what Social Security decides. Onward…

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With Pen In Hand

With pen in hand

I sit and wait

Wondering what images

The Muse will deliver.

 

Some are bleak

And pain me so

But I write them anyway.

 

For in doing so

Releases me from

Demons I may not realize.

Or frees me of wounds

Buried long ago

And forgotten.

 

Whether I share them

Or not

Is entirely up

To me.

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The Noise Upstairs

The noise upstairs is

deafening and causes despair.

They’re fighting again.

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Cherish The Mundane

I know you’re thinking, “What a strange title?” but to those of us with limited vision or a chronic debilitating disease, this title makes perfect sense. So many of us have to struggle to accomplish simple tasks like buttoning a shirt or even rising off the commode unattended that (if accomplished) we’d do cartwheels if we could!

Once there was a time when I’d get in my car and drive anywhere alone (even downtown E. St. Louis, IL which used to be like Ferguson, MO is now). I was never afraid because I trusted my car and my judgment, but those days are gone. Now I have to stay away from crowded cities because traffic moves too fast; (yes, even in little Ozark, AL) and my poor eyes just can’t adjust to the changes that quickly.

So today was a real treat for me. The daily rain had finally stopped; so I climbed into the car and drove to the Ozark Post Office. Traffic was north and south bound on US 231 so all I had to do was cross it and continue past Hardee’s to the post office. Hardee’s Mushroom & Swiss Burgers were so tempting that I used the drive thru and got one which I ate at the post office in a sort of “memorial picnic” like I used to have with my son, Bernard Jr, so long ago.

We used to drive to a fast food drive thru in Cahokia and then go to the park where we would “picnic” in the car and then he would go play with other kids on the playground. Since he was an only child, we did this quite often, especially if there were no Parents Without Partners’ family functions to attend. If it was a Sunday, I’d read the newspaper while he played and when he got tired we’d go feed the ducks and swans. He still likes to feed the birds and he and his beautiful wife, Alexa, still do.

I know this doesn’t sound very exciting to you, but the day may come when doing such mundane things will be a godsend and help trigger cherished memories that you never dreamed could become so priceless; so spend those moments making mud pies with your daughter or playing basketball with your son; take Grandpa to the park and watch him smile as he feeds the squirrels; or take Grandma to the beauty shop and then Dairy Queen like Bernie and I used to do for Grandma. Trust me, the day will come when you’ll be so glad you did! Onward…

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Wake Up Time!

I’ve been feeling sort of blah lately; just hanging around the house since I went to the movies on Mother’s Day, which really isn’t how you should spend your day if you call yourself a writer. I just haven’t felt like doing much of anything except watching tv and checking Facebook.

I’ve managed to watch old movies I’d missed like “Despicable Me” and “Be Cool;” some really crappy ones that will remain nameless; some interesting ones like “Maggie” and “Persecuted,” and have even caught up on some tv shows. (I’ve still managed to keep the DVR about 38% filled because I’m always watching and recording programs.)

You see script writers are supposed to do that so they can improve their craft, and it’s ok to watch good and bad movies, but script writers are supposed to write spec scripts too (which I haven’t done for over a year).

I’ve been blogging, and had concentrated on that since I had moved in with The Kids, but The Kids are now moved, and I had no clue how long it had been since I looked at any of my scripts (or even attempted to write any) until I started rummaging around looking for info to fill out the required Social Security paperwork. That still wasn’t enough to make me realize my lack of scribing, but it did make me think about it… for a little while.

Well, lucky for me, I was reviewing old emails tonight and found some script writing submissions from 2012: Scripts I believed in enough to send to contests. So you see my friends, you never know what will motivate you; so keep believing and write! Onward…

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