Fall has always been a rough time for me ever since Mom died in 2002. Add to that my new dysfunctional neighbors and you have what I will refer to as a very maudlin mix. I began this blog 3 years ago to help me cope with the fear of vision loss; so when I started feeling maudlin this morning I thought: What the hell, I’ll just write about it. So here I am sitting at my trusty computer trying to understand and write about what I’m feeling.
I’m not very good at sharing my feelings, which I think is one of the reasons why I began this blog. Sitting at a computer pouring your heart out is not the same as being face-to-face and sharing your hopes and fears, and besides my trusty friend Barb is back in St. Louis. In that respect, the computer can be liberating which is probably why so many people get caught up in this cyber world.
I’m not reacting very well to my new caustic neighbors. After spending most of yesterday sleeping (an emotional crutch I learned when Mom was terminal) I finally arose and analyzed the situation. Then I called Alexa and told her what I discovered. You see we had plans yesterday, but I was too emotionally crippled to cope; so instead I “hid” in bed.
I don’t handle conflict very well because of the way I was raised. Mom came from a dysfunctional family where her parents could go for a week at a time without talking; using the kids to pass information to one another just like in one of those comedy scenes. You know the kind: “Tell your mother to pass the potatoes.” Mom swore that she wouldn’t raise her kids that way; so she never argued with Dad in front of us. If he was tired and said degrading things to me and Sis, she would tell him about it later, but never say anything while it was happening. Now that they’re both gone, I realize I sometimes choose to be alone because I don’t want to wonder if I can cope with a particular situation.
That’s what I did yesterday and it served me well because it gave me a chance to distance myself and calm myself down which is something I didn’t do Sunday. When I left my apartment Sunday early to take Alexa to work I discovered I was so stressed from the situation that my vision was blurry which is downright dangerous when you’re driving. I realize I was reacting to the stress, but now know I must find other ways to cope with how I react in any situation. So perhaps God has sent these noisy neighbors to help me; at least that’s what I’m going to tell myself as I cower under my covers trying to de-stress.
Thanks for listening and accompanying me on this journey. Onward…