Me Britches Are Dirty

I’ve got this song going through my head:  “I get knocked down, but I get up again.  You’re never gonna keep me down”…  But lately, I’ve been wondering if perhaps I might stay down.  You see I’ve been on this emotional roller coaster and it’s getting harder and harder to keep my mind off the triggers that cause these emotions.  (Yes you’re right, it would help to stop thinking about them, but that’s not easy to do if you don’t even know what the triggers are.)

Take for instance, Good Friday.  There was a dance in Enterprise, AL which is about 10 miles from where I live and I brooded about that for a week:  wanting to go; knowing I couldn’t drive myself; you get the picture.  Then there was the trip that my son and daughter-in-law were going to take with me to St. Louis, MO April 18 – 21 to hear my cousin (whom I haven’t seen since the 1970’s) sing.  I worried and brooded about that; so we cancelled the trip, but I didn’t cancel the hotel reservations.  I was afraid because my eyesight is so bad now that I’m helping my chauffeur brake for a stoplight 1/4 mile before we get to the light!  (So you can imagine how annoying the driver feels and how scared I feel.)

This concern (or possibly the realization that I no longer have control)  had me down right panic-stricken at the thought of one of them driving through Nashville, TN and me not being able to do it myself.  Once I cancelled the trip, I thought I would feel better but instead felt worse.  I even checked out flight costs to St. Louis for those 4 days.  Meanwhile my son and patient daughter-in-law made plans to go to the beach, but changed their minds.

So here we are exactly one week later, and the trip’s back on!   The Kids (as I call them) are attempting to get over my wishy/washy decision-making.  I’m feeling excited and apprehensive but have decided if need be, I’ll hide in the back seat with my eyes closed until we get through Nashville.  They just better be able to figure the route out themselves!  Onward…

 

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About sandrabranum

I'm a philosopher, dreamer, poet, writer -- not necessarily in that order -- and I get to write it all down and share it with the world thanks to the Wonderful World Wide Web!
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6 Responses to Me Britches Are Dirty

  1. Barbara Gambil says:

    Sandy, Calm down and take a deep breath. Everything will work out and you will have a great time seeing your cousin. I am trying to figure out what my schedule is so that maybe I can come over to Ill when you are at the hotel for a visit. I will let you know as soon as I can. I just feel so bad that we are so far apart now. I am still here if you need me and always will be and you know that. you can call me anytime.

    The Gad About here in the great state of Missouri.

  2. Well I’m glad to hear the trip is back on. I do understand your fears though. My Mom’s eyesight has gone and she is very uncomfortable going out and to new places. I hope you have a wonderful trip. I think hiding in the back with your eyes closed is a great idea 🙂

    • sandrabranum says:

      Thanks Susan. Sometimes I have to force myself to do things because it’s just easier to hide. But if I do that, what kind of quality of life will I have? I’m glad you approve of hiding in the backseat. At least if something does happen I’ll be smiling. 🙂 🙂

  3. JL Stratton says:

    Sandra,
    Don’t worry. Be happy. Sometimes the most dreadful vacation/road trip can be better than not going. Good or bad, everything you do will become a memory-good or bad. Which one you choose to make is entirely up to you. You are a wonderful person with a good sense of humor and just fun to be around. My memories of you are fond ones and always will be. Of course, I wish you longevity so the list of memories you create in yourself, and in others, will grow.

    • sandrabranum says:

      Some of my relatives back home think I should just stay here, but they have no idea what kind of struggle I’m having with the fear and depression. Guess when I get there I just won’t see them; that way they won’t have to be concerned about my silly trip to see my cousin. 🙂

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